Dealing with a difficult ex

Some separations are sad but civil. Others feel like a battle at every turn. If your ex ignores messages, sends long angry ones at midnight, drags their feet with paperwork or uses the children to get at you, it can be exhausting and frightening in equal measure.

This guide is for anyone dealing with an ex who makes things harder than they need to be. It covers practical ways to protect your peace, and how to recognise when behaviour has crossed a line that the law takes seriously.

Difficult behaviour, or something more?

It's worth being honest with yourself here, because the right approach depends on it.

Difficult might look like an ex who's slow to reply, argues over small things, is rude, or keeps changing their mind. Hurtful, frustrating, but not dangerous.

Abusive behaviour is different. It can include threats, intimidation, turning up uninvited, monitoring your phone or location, controlling money, constant unwanted contact, or making you afraid. Domestic abuse doesn't have to be physical. Controlling or coercive behaviour is a criminal offence, and since changes made by the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, it applies to ex-partners even when you no longer live together (GOV.UK).

If you recognise the second description, please skip to the section on legal protection and the helplines at the end. The communication tips below are for difficult exes, not dangerous ones.

How to communicate with a difficult ex

Put it in writing

Wherever possible, switch to written communication: email, text or a co-parenting app. It gives you time to think before you reply, and it creates a record. Phone calls and doorstep conversations are where things tend to escalate.

Keep messages short and factual

Reply to the actual question and leave out everything else. No defending yourself against every accusation, no bringing up the past, no sarcasm. Imagine a judge might read it one day, because they might.

For example, if you receive a long message criticising your parenting and asking to swap weekends, a reply could be as simple as: "Thanks for letting me know. I can't swap the 14th, but I could do the 21st if that helps."

Don't reply straight away

Unless something is genuinely urgent, it's fine to wait a few hours, or until the next day. Write your first reply somewhere else, then delete it and write the calm one.

Set boundaries and stick to them

You're allowed to say you'll only discuss practical matters, or only by email, or only between certain hours. Say it once, clearly, and then follow it consistently. You don't need to explain it again every time.

You don't have to win every argument. You just have to stop having them.

Keep a record

If things are difficult, a record protects you. It's also useful evidence if you ever need to go to court.

• Keep messages and emails. Take screenshots and back them up somewhere your ex can't access.
• Keep a simple diary of incidents: date, time, what happened, who was there. Stick to facts, not feelings.
• Note missed handovers, late arrivals and cancelled arrangements.
• Keep copies of anything sent to you by post.

When you have children together

A difficult ex is hardest to handle when you still need to co-parent. A few things can help:

• Try parallel parenting. Rather than trying to make joint decisions on everything, you each run your own household your own way and keep contact to essentials. It's often better for children than constant clashes.
• Make handovers low-contact. Use school or nursery drop-offs, or a neutral public place, so you don't have to meet face to face. Some areas have child contact centres for this.
• Get arrangements in writing. A detailed parenting plan reduces the number of things there are to argue about. Our step-by-step guide covers where children fit into the divorce process.
• Keep the children out of it. Don't use them to pass on messages, and don't criticise their other parent in front of them, even if your ex does.

If your ex won't agree arrangements, mediation is usually the first step, and a £500 government voucher can help with the cost in cases involving children. If mediation isn't working or isn't safe, you can apply to court for a child arrangements order. The fee is £270 (GOV.UK).

Keeping the divorce moving

A common tactic is simply not engaging. The good news is that since no-fault divorce came in, your ex can't stop the divorce itself by refusing to cooperate.

• If you apply on your own (a sole application) and your ex doesn't respond, the court has ways to move it forward, including other methods of serving the papers. See our guide to no-fault divorce.
• If they won't share financial information, you can apply to court for a financial order. Once you do, they're legally required to complete a full financial statement, and the court can penalise them if they don't. The fee is £321 (GOV.UK).
• If they ignore a child arrangements order, you can apply to the court to enforce it.

A solicitor can often cut through delays more quickly than you can alone, and letters from a solicitor tend to be taken more seriously.

What legal protection is available?

If your ex is harassing, threatening or abusing you, you don't have to put up with it.

• A non-molestation order stops someone using or threatening violence, intimidating, harassing or pestering you. Breaking one is a criminal offence.
• An occupation order decides who can live in the family home, and can exclude an abusive partner from it.

There's no court fee for either, and you can apply urgently, without your ex being told first, if you're at risk (GOV.UK). Legal aid is often available. You can also report harassment or stalking to the police.

If there's domestic abuse, you won't usually need to attend a mediation meeting before applying to court about children or money, and the court can put measures in place so you don't have to see your ex, such as separate waiting areas or giving evidence by video.

• In an emergency, call 999. If you can't speak, press 55 when prompted on a mobile.
• The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247.
• The Men's Advice Line is on 0808 801 0327 (GOV.UK).

Looking after yourself

Living with constant conflict wears you down. Make time for people who are on your side, and don't feel you have to handle it alone. Relate offers counselling for individuals going through separation (Relate). In England, you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies (NHS). And if it ever feels like too much, Samaritans are there any time, free, on 116 123.

Common questions

Sources

1. GOV.UK, Domestic abuse statutory guidance
2. GOV.UK, Family court fees (EX50), updated 13 July 2026
3. GOV.UK, Making child arrangements if you divorce or separate: apply for a court order
4. GOV.UK, Family mediation voucher scheme
5. GOV.UK, Domestic abuse: how to get help
6. Relate
7. NHS, Find NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression

Keep reading

This guide is general information about divorce and separation in England and Wales, not legal advice. Laws, fees and figures change, so check the sources above and speak to a qualified professional about your situation. Facts checked 1 October 2026.